Another year draws to an end and once again winters cold brings life to its knees.What a year.
This year has thrown in my face the fact that nothing is as perfectly unpredictable as life itself. None of our wildest imaginings, plans and preperations could ever prepare us for what the future can, will and does present us with. Its as unpredictable as each individual air pocket in a hurricane. That is life's only constant. That and our eventual deaths.
What does it all mean? This life of caos that is topped with the bright red cherry of death. Can everything really be as random and heartless as I believe?
Probably, and nothing can convince me otherwise. Because even though we do rationalise and take measures to steer our course in this life, the absolute randomness of the universe can never be ignored and we will undoubtable end up in the most unpredictable situations, whether we want to or not. Whether we steer or not Small insignificant choices taken on the wing can change everything and these random situations, well for me anyway, make up the greater part of life. A lot of times these situations we find ourselves in leave us so few options we feel tied up. (its usually financial shit that does this to you) and you have to ride it out to be free again. To wherever it takes you.
Yet there are moments of lucidity where we do take the reigns for a blink of an eye. But really? how often does that happen? Only when you feel so backed into a corner the only other option is to curl up in a ball and die? Maybe even then, some of us would chose that path...
There's a factor of the unpredictability of human behaviour in random situations. We act a lot on gut feeling, instinct. If we add to this the fact that the rest of existance abides by the same rules we have total chaos. So I would never compare life to a roller coaster. A roller coaster has a track. We may as well be able to float.
Still cyles in life continue to exist, but they never repeat themselves exactly. Sort of like a fractal that never ends and goes out in every direction at once. Like a storm, a seathing mass of life in a massive wave that goes on forever.
That wave has brought me back here. Full circle. I sort of steared, but for the most part I was bobbing alond to the rithm of the waves. I did come back from this round trip slightly richer. I mean dont get me wrong. For all the wierd chaotic ramblings I dont disaprove of the situation, in fact I embrace it, wholeheartedly...
I have a new sense of being, of existing. I have rediscovered perspectives I had lost in the past, and stumbled upon new ones as well. New dreams and new visions... Improved would be a better word.
I know that for the most part I can survive anywhere and under almost any condition. Theres always a niche for me wherever I am. I also discovered I miss her presence. I miss Rita. How very unsurprising huh? Not in any corny way. But its a fact. What can I say? I glow.
It was a conscious decision to come back here... for the most part I think. But it was more than JUST her. As well, but not only. What she awoke in me was more than that. It was a longing for home, a longing for my people. For my traditions, my background... my place. When she was leaving me at the airport that day she was all of those things and much more. And thats why I am here. There was that moment of lucidity. That clearness. That one doesnt always make the most of, but this time I acted on.
So as This crazy Year draws to an end I find myself in the exact same place where the last venture began, In the same position at the same computer in the same house. and quite possibly at the same time of the year. And its weird. Yet not really. I find it an amazing situation to be in. I quite dont know what to do with it. It feels like The end of a journey. A return home... to rest before the next storm.
Its a future for which I forsee no ending. I can steer in any direction. Right now I float in space. That space is where chaos reigns supreme, humanity is at its best and magic is everywhere.
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